I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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