there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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