Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
