I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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