I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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