guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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