I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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