time to smoke my breakfast
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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