so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
what day is it and did you see me today?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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