you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize