i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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