you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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