I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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