after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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