when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
