nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
