there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Im part way to drunk.
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize