im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
