did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Randomize
