I want to make a zoo with you.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
