I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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