Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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