so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
