Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
