my phone needs a breathalizer
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
