Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
