I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
