he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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