What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Randomize
