A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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