Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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