my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
