last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
