hell yes lets make some ravioli
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize