The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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