He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
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