you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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