guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
