I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
