Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
