Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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