his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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