In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
