Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
