i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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