i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
