he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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