Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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