I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
