I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
