If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
