Need sex. Gaining weight.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
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