Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
