Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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