maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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