I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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